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New S.A.T Rule – No Calculators! Uh oh.

It’s 8:01 AM in the mornin’ and Sir Mick and the Lads are pounding out their version of Julie London’s hubby, Bobby Troupe’s “Route 66″. Apollo’s chariot is a-risin’ higher and higher and we’re sposetabe seein’ temps reaching…dare I say it..43-degrees…and sunny!

We also welcome back our resident-joke-sender-in-chief, T-John who with his purty-wife just returned from visiting their son who’s on a Peace Corps assignment in Indonesia and then making a stop in Hong Kong-Phooey. How did I know? My inbox had a whole-buncha jokes in it, that’s how. They’ll be sent later. Welcome back, T-John.

calc

By the way, MBH ‘n’ me’ll be gone for a few days, so DaTwacks’ll be on hiatus till we return, which’ll put our next visit off till next Friday, just in time for ChiTown’s St. Paddy’s Day celebrations.

 

OK, so little time but so much to type so let’s get started…

 

WABBIT SEASON

 

ALMANACALLY SPEAKING. We begin with this, http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pm_1L27JGFg, as Mr. Peabody opens today…and…as Dopey Grey once said, “The original’s still the greatest”.

 

OK, let’s see what the Wayback Machine, historynet.com and historyorb.com say happened on this date in…

322 BC, Plato’s fave student and tutor to Alexander the Great and the father of Aristotelean logic, Aristotle, died.

 

161,      Marcus Aurelius was declared Emperor. In film, he was portrayed by Richard Harris; killed by Joaquin Phoenix, who was then killed by Maximus Decimus Meridius (Greatest One-Hundred Coolest)…Russell Crowe. There’s a funny story about yerztruly and Richard Harris which I’ll tell another time.

 

321,     Roman Emperor Constantine decreed there should be a “day of rest” across the empire, referring to it as: “dies Solis Invicti”, or, literally, sun-day. Which would later make ChiTowners wait till after 11:00AM to buy a six-pack on the way to a picnic.

 

1530,   After the Pope would not grant him a divorce, Henry VIII declared that HE was the head of England’s church.

 

1774,   The Brits closed Boston Harbor to all trade.

 

1801,    Massatoosits enacted the first voter-registration law.

 

1870,   The first professional baseball team, The Cincinnati Red Stockings, began a tour of the Midwest. That, Virginia, is why baseball’s traditional Opening had been held in Cincy.

 

1876,   Alexander Graham Bell patented the telephone. Don’t know why. That’d never go anywhere, would it?

 

1906,   Finland became the third country to confer the right to vote to women.

 

1908,   Meanwhile, back in the states, the Mayor of Cincinnati, addressed his City Council and declared that, “…women are not physically fit to drive automobiles…”.

 

1933,   Parker Brothers introduced the “Monopoly” board game. Sheyit! 3-doubles in a row!

 

1933,   “King Kong” starring Fay Wray and Robert Armstrong opened. In the ’50s another Wray, “Link” and his Wraymen, recorded what could have been THE seminal, greaser rock ‘n’ roll instrumental; which probably inspired many a black-leather-jacketed JD to pick up an electric guitar to learn to strum those eerie-sounding chords of “Rumble”…D-D-A. D-D-A. D-D-E. D-D-A. D-D-B7. D-D-A.

 

1935,   Not unlike the Crimean Peninsula, now, the Saar was incorporated into Germany. See Puto and the great Black Sea grab.

 

1960,   Former Cub and Toronto Blue Jay, Joe Carter was born. This is only included because of his days as a Cubs announcer, when during a game in Houston; where they had a train which would run about 30 or 40-feet while ringing its bell when an AstroHole hit a homer, Joe said, “That bell’s toiling”. Of course, he was channeling Ernest Hemingway’s “For Whom the Bell Toils”, which is probably how an episode of the original Mr. Peabody would have ended with an excruciatingly-awful pun.

 

1968,   On the day the Tet offensive ended, the Battle of Saigon began. Ah, those were the days, my friend. We thought they’d never end.

 

1971,   1000 warplanes bombed Cambodia and Laos. Once more! This time with feeling! “Those were the days my friend! We thought they’d never end! Oh yes, oh yes, those were the days!”

 

POPE DROPS AN F-BOMB.

-Man, I AM likin’ this guy! He coulda sat with us on “the hill” at the park where we hung out and fit right in. Not bein’ a scholar of Italian, I’ll hafta defer to this link to the New York Post: http://nypost.com/2014/03/03/pope-drops-f-bomb-during-vatican-blessing/

 

Or, as some northside ChiTown greasers usedtasay, “F-in Douay”, Holy Father!

 

NEW SAT RULES.

-Not going into all of them but will mention this one: no calculators allowed. I use this example when subbing to give today’s teeny-boppers an idea of the difference between now and “then”, specifically regarding calculators. Physical Science was a required class at Northeastern Illinois. For awhile, on the first day of class, each class was given the following assignment, which was due for the next class. How many inches in a light-year. Ok, so we know it starts the speed of light, which is 186,000 mph and goes from there. Yes, it wasn’t much more than an exercise in getting pissed-off but it was there.

 

Which reminds me of an early morning breakfast MBH ‘n me were having at The Bellagio in Vegas. Seated at a nearby table were a group of 20 or 30-something guys and a hooker. She was telling them how she was earning money so she could go to college once she’d taken her TSA test.

 

HEADLINES…

-”GOP gov debate gets vicious”. Again, GOPerGuberHopefuls, ripped each other, mercilessly, the other night. Ronnie…and I don’t mean “Ronnie Spector”, hastabe spinnin’ in his grave. The MightyQuinn ain’t much but if these guys keep this up; they may be givin’ him just enough to get re-elected. Remember, we few, we happy few, are a world away from most folks, who don’t give a feather or a fig about politics. So, whoever does the best-seller-bit, wins. All they need is 50% +1 vote.

 

“Too drunk to gamble?” Hear this one? A professional gambler…in Vegas…has sued a Vegas casino for loaning him $$$ while he was “blackout drunk”. He says they kept brining him drinks while he gambled. Well, duh! That’s what they do. Sit down at any table; at any casino; at any time, in Vegas and cocktail waitresses will bring you drinks. AND, you have to order them AND, they can only bring you one drink at a time. That said, dude lost $500K. I’d be pissed, too.

 

“Anti-violence worker accused of murder”. Yep. You read that right.

 

“After getting 2 warnings, alderman demands better speed-cam signs”. Only in ChiTown. Seems this Alderperson doesn’t pay any attention to the flashing “Your Speed” signs, which post your car’s speed as you approach one of Rahmbi’s, nefarious, speed-cams. While I am NOT a supporter of these, I deal with them as they are all around my neighborhoods, old ‘n’ new. The electronic-signs, as well as printed signs are posted at least 1/4-mile before reaching the cameras.

 

“Latin Kings ‘enforcer’ guilty of racketeering”. Dude faces 5-years to life. Justice-served if it’s the latter.

 

“66 students expelled for cheering Pakistani cricket”. Apparently, they take their cricket seriously in Kashmir.

 

“Pot-legal Colorado to stop stoned driving”. One toke over the line, sweet Jesus? “DWS”? “DWEffed-Up”? Don’t Bogart that joint!

 

OTHER ITEMS IN THE NEWS…

 

-Massatoosits Supremes say it’s “perfectly legal” to take “upskirt” pics of women. That should stand on its own.

 

-Drone strike mistakenly kills five-civilians  in Afghanistan. Whoopsie. Our bad. Sorry.

 

-Inflation? What’s inflation? Well, I’m a-tellin’ ya. Saw an ad for a local grocery store with a sale on Domino sugar, 4-pounds for $1.49. Set the Wayback Machine for 1968; Treasure Island Foods, ChiTown. ”Domino Sugar sale: 5-pounds for $.49.’

 

That, Virginia, is what we call inflation.

 

-The Dow Jones closed at 16,421.89. A report says Americans are slowly approaching their income-levels from pre-2008. Now this’d be really something if they’d get back to pre-Wonder Years. OK, I’ll stop.

 

-On that ADHD thing and acetaminophen item from the other day. Had a conversation with MBH in which we agreed, not only are there more chemicals in just about everything but just about everything now comes packaged in some kind of plastic. I know, plastic’s lighter, so less fuel’s needed for transport and it doesn’t require the same amount of energy to recycle as glass but really, think of what chemicals go in to making those containers and what’s in glass…sand

 

 

DUCK SEASON

 

TUBULARLY SPEAKING…

-”Revolution”. Turned out this week’s was a variation on the J.R. Ewing Dream-theme. We looked at each other and I said something like, “Well, that was a wasted episode”, which received no dissent. Yes, I know. It’s really hard to maintain a high-level of believable-writing, especially when the premise is kinda “off the wall” in the first place.

 

-”Game of Thrones”. Speaking of “off the wall” premises, Season 4 begins April 17th. :-)

 

-”Shark Tank” Fans may recall the guy who came on with an “alarm clock” which awakened its owners to the smell of bacon. It was rejected by the Sharks for whatever their reasons. Well, Oscar Mayer now has an app, which requires an external device to be connected to a smart phone, which at the appointed time; releases a small puff of an aromatic which smells like bacon frying…and everbody knows, everything’s better with bacon.

 

THE BIG SCREEN…

-Besides “Mr. Peabody & Sherman” we also have “300: Rise of an Empire”. It co-stars Eva Green, some may recall her as the hauntingly beautiful, compromised-agent from “Casino Royale”, “Vesper Lynd” She also starred with Orlando Bloom as the queen of Jerusalem, who falls for him.

 

Doubtful that we’ll take the time to visit our local multiplex for either of these.

 

 

 

AND NOW..SPORT

 

IT’S BOHICA TIME.

-It is now 9:59 and by he time I finish typing this entry, Cubs tix go on sale! T-Tom usedta head over to Purgatory Field to get in line and see how any tix he could get. Of course, that’s when they actually had a shot at winning. It will be interesting to see how long it takes for them to sell out. Well, they’ve already sold-out their souls. I’m talkin’ about tickets.

 

-The other day, I made mention of Theo and Javy and what he’d do if Javy Baez, –Joan’s love-child(?) –  was hitting .500 at the end of Spring Training. He said he was still going to the minors. Well, Javy’s hitting .417. Yes, I know. It’s Spring Training. But Cubs fans want to see “something” other than the usual BOHICA we’ve gotten over the centuries. And if they want to sell tickets, they’d better have something worth the price of admission.

 

One other thing on Javy. Don’t be surprised if he’s called up some time in June. Part of the reason he’s being sent back down is…you guessed it…dinero. Not sure zackly how it works but the new CBA has this thing regarding the # of days up in the bigs before a player can become arbitration-eligible. So, teams hold off as long as they can in order to stretch the amount of time they have “control” over what they pay the player, prior to his being eligible for arbitration.

 

Last thing on Joan’s love-child. For all his “bat-speed” and power, he had 143-strike outs in 130-games.

 

DaSOX.

-Looks like John Danks may have recovered some of his control. If so, Arnold, Bill ‘n’ Nick may have a bit more to FEEL-GOOD about.

 

-Their phenom, Jose Abreu hit an opposite-filed homer, yesterday. His first of the Spring.

 

NFL FREE AGENCY’S BEGUN.

-While it doesn’t start “officially” till Monday, some teams have already said adios to some well-known, older and/or high-priced and occasional fan-fave-players. In ChiTown, that happened with fan-fave, Devin Hester.

 

Hester was LuveeKravezit’s #1-scoring weapon, which may have been the reason he, Luvee, was fired. Now, they have an offense which can actually score and with some regularity. They do not rely so much on the “D” or Hester getting them on a short-field, though that always helps. In the salary-cap era, witha D that has to be re-tooled; cap-space of only $8M; they can’t afford to keep a kick-returner who takes up $10M.

Pre-new kickoff rules, maybe. But now with kickers booting the ball out of the end zone fairly-regularly, there are guys who will do the job and be much more cap-friendly. That said, the guy was exciting to watch. I hated it when other teams did stupid things to avoid kicking to him. Bears fans should love that. He’ll surely wind up on another roster but getting nowhere near what he has.

 

It hasn’t been announced and they don’t have to right now but don’t be surprised if Jellius Pupers isn’t cut loose. Next to Jay, he takes up the most space with around $18M. He’s not a free agent but last year he was credited with 7.5 sacks; 31 tackles and 15-assists…and he’s 33.  Recall Phil EmeryBoard’s telling anyone who’d listen that this year the Bears are going to get much younger on D? For $18M, he can get two, maybe three, youngsters.

 

-My guys.

Hmmm. The good news is they’re like $32M under the cap, so the rebuild they need on D is within financial-reasonableness. Thing is, they’ve got 16 guys who are F/As and of those, several are starters or key guys. One I don’t think they’ll keep is Jermicahel Finley, whom they lost to a serious neck-injury and who had spinal-fusion surgery done while he was on I/R. Here’s the thing.

He’s always been a big “P” guy. By that I mean potential, which as Steve McMichael told us means “You ain’t done jack”. The guy’s a marvelous athlete. So much so that in ’10, McCarthy had designed his entire O around him; only to have him wind up on I/R. When he was on the field, he seemed to be a quicker-version of Bubba Franks. The guy could have been the best in the Collective but never quite got there, what with dropped passes, etc. With that; his high cap-number and the questions about how long he’ll be able to play with his neck, leads me to think they’ll let him walk. He’d be a nice pick-up for another team. No? In ’10, they won the Super Bowl with out him and in ’13, they won their division, again, without him.

 

It’s going to be interesting to see what they do as their GM, Ted Thompson’s a die-hard, draft & develop guy. D & D’s all well and good but sometimes, a free agent here or there…a top-liner, helps…a la Reggie White and/or Charles Woodson. Funny but those guys were with them when they’d won their last Super Bowls.

 

Last thing on my guys. I owe an everlasting debt to Joe’s Yets! as without them, Clay Matthews, Jr. woulda been drafted by some other team. Y’see, when Favre was doin’ his diva-thing, and they’d gotten so sick of it, they finally traded him. Uh-huh. In a draft-day trade in ’09, they packaged the pick they received from the Yets! for Favre, along with others to move up to the 26th slot, where they took #52. Now, all they need to do is find a bookend pass-rusher.

 

Here’s a link to all the free agents in The Collective. http://www.rotoworld.com/articles/nfl/45947/309/2014-nfl-free-agents

 

Some of this isn’t FEEL-GOOD, as many fan-faves will get their walking papers by Monday. And as I won’t be posting until next Friday, am providing these t’day.

 

DaHAWKS.

-Tuned in last night and y’know what? They didn’t lose! Not only that, they scored 3-goals in the time we watched.

 

DaBULLS.

-Looks like Noah’s not only setting sail to escape the flood, he’s also recruiting fellow NBAers, like Carmelo, to come to DaBulls. Doubt it’d happen but it’d be nice to have a for-real scorer on this squad which has “Tenacious D”.

 

OK, it’s almost 11:00 and we have some stuff to do outside, where it’s still sunny and even warmer at (40-degrees) than it was at 8:01. Speaking of time, don’t forget Daylight Saving Time…and it’s “Saving”, not “Savings”. Savings are those things you’ve been diving into since DaWonder Years…and set your clocks ahead one hour.

 

Maybe with these warmer temps, we may actually be able to look down at our rosebushes and remember that any day we can, instead of gazing up at their roots, is a good one.

 

Take care. Have a great weekend and early-next week. We’ll seeya next Friday with a brand new show.

 

In the meantime; in between time, HaGooDay!

 

DaBIgFatWat

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 


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